Sometimes I Feel Like I am a Fake Geek Girl

There is all this talk about the concept of the “fake geek girl” — essentially geek culture’s way of othering women by presuming they can’t possibly really be into geeky things for any reason aside from the attention.  It’s a ridiculous thought that people could create an identity for themselves simply to gain the attention of the opposite sex.  And while I don’t personally do anything just to attract wanted attention, sometimes I feel like I’m undeserving of calling myself a geek at all.

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Me, dressed up as a Warcraft Night Elf for Halloween 2009

Here’s the part where I admit a bunch of things that risk making me seem “less cool” in the circles that I frequent.  I’ve only seen one of the Star Wars movies (the oldest one) and I don’t really like anything related to space.  I got bored halfway through watching Firefly.  I find superheroes to be boring and though I was forced to watch some of the movies I didn’t enjoy any of them (Spiderman, Batman, Iron Man, etc). I’ve never liked comic books, and my few attempts to get into them ended up with me wasting money on things I barely touched.  I never finished A Song of Ice and Fire (I stopped after book 3).  I have only finished two Neil Gaiman books, Coraline & The Graveyard Book.  I’ve never read most of the sci-fi and fantasy classics (Lovecraft, Dune, 2001, Lord of the Rings). Most TV shows that ‘geeks’ are into are shows that I’ve never watched or haven’t been able to get into such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Doctor Who, Torchwood, Supernatural, Arrested Development, Farscape, Battlestar GalacticaAlias, Fringe, etc. and I can’t seem to enjoy anime no matter how much I try.

In the videogame world, my experience is also pretty limited.  Growing up I only played console games, and typically it was games in the Mario, Donkey Kong Country, Zelda, or Sonic series’.  I didn’t get into PC games heavily until discovering EverQuest, which introduced me to the world of MMOs.  Since then I’ve played just about every MMO released since 1999, but still my PC and console gaming experience is severely limited.  I never finished Mass Effect, I never finished Dragon Age.  I didn’t play any of the Fallout games.  I’ve never played the first two Bioshock games.  I never finished Portal 1 and never played Portal 2.  I’ve never played a Half-Life or Halo game.  I never played Age of Empires, or Civilization.  My videogame knowledge is vast in that I read about these games and know about these games, but I’ve never found the time or desire to actually play them.  I’ve never done cosplay and have no interest in it.  I’ve only played D&D a couple times and the campaigns died after one or two sessions.  I have very little roleplaying skills, I can’t write fiction piece,

My experience in games has been pretty limited too.  Once I found MMOs, they stole the bulk of my attention from 1999 to 2009.  I dabbled a bit in games like Oblivion, Black & White, Warcraft III, and The Sims.  Mostly, though, I played EverQuest, EverQuest 2, World of Warcraft, and every other MMO.  I lead guilds, blogged about MMOs for many years, even traveled across the country to meet people I’d met in videogames.

I can’t help but feel like I’m faking it when I say I am a geek.  Though I’m obsessed with videogame culture, I make games for a living, I helped start this very website, I attend GDC every year, consider myself pretty knowledgeable about industry trends, love Game of Thrones and select other fantasy worlds, I’m learning to code….there are just so many people who are geekier than me and seem so accomplished in what they’ve read, watched, and played.  I could be unemployed for 10 years and I’d never catch up on all the fandom pieces that I have missed.  I am perpetually behind and feel inferior as a result.

I know that I’m not really faking anything as I’m pretty up front with the holes in my experience, but sometimes I feel that I shouldn’t even call myself a geek because I’m missing so much ‘critical geekdom’.   It feels like geek culture is a competitive and not-inclusive space with invisible hierarchies.  Does anyone else ever have this feeling?

Posted in General Gaming | Tagged | 26 Comments

In Medias Res

Six months in.

Six months in.

[Author's note: This is a follow-up to my first post on The Border House. There are many ways to transition and not all of them involve hormones.  While I want to share my journey, I don't want my transition to be read as an archetype for others.]

Transitioning legally, hormonally and socially is like playing a classic Japanese role-playing game. At the start, you “gain experience” and “level up” at an exhilarating pace. Last August, I came out to my friends: Level 2! Last October, I came out at work: Level 3!

In November, I reached the bottom of the dungeon (the endocrinology department at the Emory University Hospital), beat the big boss (my long-awaited doctor’s appointment) and obtained some sweet loot: a prescription for spironolactone (a testosterone-blocker) and estradiol (a form of estrogen). This single victory merited a massive experience boost: Level 3 to Level 7 all at once!

As time wore on, however, these monumental moments spread further and further apart. This February, I legally changed my name: Level 8, I suppose. I got an F on my passport last month: Level 8 and a half? I changed the name on my car title. Hooray? How exciting…

It feels like I’m grinding now. About six months into hormone replacement therapy (HRT), physical progress is frustratingly incremental. Everyday, twice a day, I pop that same pair of pills. Everyday, I brush my hair out to see how long it’s gotten, tugging my bangs down over the tip of my nose. Everyday, I examine my body in the mirror hoping that I will be surprised by what I see.

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Gaming on a Budget

Playing mainstream video games is an increasingly expensive pastime. The largest barrier to entry is a video game system, which can run anywhere from a hundred dollars for an out-of-date console to thousands for a state-of-the-art gaming computer. Beyond that, major new releases are fifty to sixty dollars apiece. Then there’s the necessity of a television or monitor.

Compared to other major art forms, video games may be the least financially accessible, and a few major publishers are making it even more difficult for low-income and rural families to play. In the last year, Electronic Arts and Activision both experimented with requiring a constant internet connection to play their games, such as SimCity and Diablo 3, making them impossible to play for the millions of people who either have no access to broadband internet or can’t afford it.

When I ran a blog about video games, I thought it was important to stay up-to-date on every console and each major release that interested me. I wanted to be part of the conversation, and the critical community only focuses on new games right when they come out. Even with a good job and a steady paycheck, I quickly found myself deep in debt. I was spending way too much of my time and money on video games. Burned out and broke, I put the blog on hiatus and began to examine my spending habits.

Since then, I’ve learned a few things about how to enjoy this burgeoning artistic medium without decimating my bank account. If you’ve been buying video games for long, these tactics may be familiar to you, but hopefully this advice will be helpful to those who are less knowledgeable about video games and intimidated by the cost.

Wait. Sure, that brand new game looks great and you can’t even read half of the reviews because you don’t want the ending spoiled. You feel like you need to play it so you can understand what everyone is talking about, and the whole internet is conspiring to convince you that you need to be part of this conversation. But those articles will still be there when you get around to playing it, and in a few months to a year the same game will probably cost half as much. With many new releases now including extensive plans for downloadable content, buying a game new and getting all of the DLC can push the price of the title well over a hundred dollars. In a few years, the game is going to be released in its completed form, all content included, for a significantly lower price point.

Be picky. There are a lot of games released every year, and if you have a full-time job, you probably won’t have time to play all of the ones that interest you. So choose more carefully: forget a few of the dumb-but-fun games in favor of the one game that you just must have. When I culled my collection looking for a little extra cash, the first to go were Gears of War 1 and 2, and I never got the third. I heard the writing has improved. I can’t imagine it’s improved enough.

Go Indie. Video games from major studios may have the advantage in visual fidelity and market exposure, but independent games are where the real innovation happens. Even better, most independent games are released for fifteen dollars or less, many are entirely free, and a lot of the best indie games will run even on ancient computers. So check out the indie games section on Steam or your console of choice. For free games, see Rock Paper Shotgun’s “Live Free, Play Hard” column or the site freeindiegam.es to never have to spend money on video games again.

Research. You’ve decided to buy a console, but you’re not sure which one will give you the most value for your money. If you’re planning on playing online or using the console to stream video from Netflix, Hulu, and other providers, you should know going into this that the Xbox 360 is going to charge you every month for online services, on top of your internet bill and the cost of the system and games. It’s not much, but it’s more than anyone else is charging (nothing). With a new generation of video game consoles being announced, it may not seem like the best time to get a soon-to-be obsolete system, but there’s actually no better time from a financial standpoint. The systems will continue to drop in price, and many excellent deals on games are already available.

A few of the best deals in mainstream gaming bear mentioning. The Orange Box should probably be required for any gaming collection: it collects the legendary Half-Life 2 and its episodic sequels, as well as Portal, an innovative non-violent puzzle game, and Team Fortress 2, a very popular online multiplayer shooter, all for thirty dollars or less. If you’re just looking for raw gameplay hours and immersion, you can’t go wrong with the Fallout New Vegas Ultimate Edition or Fallout 3 Game of the Year Edition, each of which come with all of the downloadable content available and the potential for well over a hundred hours of post-apocalyptic roleplaying. The Red Dead Redemption Game of the Year collection includes the most visually stunning and thematically mature game Rockstar has released along with its campier zombie spin-off, and you can get all three Mass Effect games in one box now, though a few pieces of downloadable content are still missing from that one. I’m sure they’ll show up in the next collected version of this ambitious science fiction series.

Thinking critically about personal spending is an empowering process. Many gamers develop consumer habits that are financially unhealthy, but it’s definitely possible to alter those habits without missing out on the absorbing experiences that video games have to offer. And while there are still significant financial barriers for those interested in exploring the medium, video games are becoming increasingly accessible to those with lower incomes.

Posted in General Gaming | Tagged | 11 Comments

More Free Videos Available From the GDC Vault

Gamasutra announced today that all content from this year’s Game Developer Conference is now available on the GDC Vault. The vast majority of the videos are for subscribers only, but there are a number of talks available to stream for free that may be of interest to readers.

In addition to the #1ReasonToBe panel, there’s Jill Murray’s talk, Diverse Game Characters: Write Them Now!, filled with practical advice about writing characters who are different from you as well as insight into the process behind writing Aveline de Grandpre and creating her world. There is also Porpentine and Terry Cavanagh’s talk about their site Free Indie Games and the innovative, challenging games they curate for it. Another talk that may be of interest is from Jeffrey Lin of Riot Games, who spoke about The Science Behind Shaping Player Behavior in Online Games. There’s also Anna Kipnis’s talk on Molyjam.

There is a lot more from this year’s GDC at the Vault. Is there anything else you found interesting?

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What Are You Playing Wednesday

Elizabeth from Bioshock Infinite. A woman with dark brown hair and blue eyes standing in front of several people at a pavilion.

Elizabeth from Bioshock Infinite. A woman with dark brown hair and blue eyes standing in front of several people at a pavilion.

Happy Wednesday everyone!

  • What games are you playing this week?
  • Would you recommend those games to other Border House readers?
  • What games have you ranting?
  • Are any of those games listed ones that you want to see covered on the site?

This week I started Deadly Premonition: The Director’s Cut. I really haven’t done much of the story line. Instead I have been going around the town looking in the windows of people’s houses to see if I find anything interesting. I also borrowed BioShock Infinite from a friend and started that game. I got to the island where I assume I will meet Elizabeth. Finally, I played several hours of Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light cooperative with a friend.

What have you been playing?

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re/Action Launches

Last week, our own Mattie Brice launched re/Action, an online zine of critical games writing. The goal of the site is not only to become a safe space for diverse games criticism and storytelling from the margins, but to pay contributors for their work. Currently in “beta,” the site will be launching a crowdfunding campaign in the coming weeks in order to meet its goals. You can read what Mattie has to say about her goals with the zine here.

There is already some great work on the site, and between that and the impressive list of contributors, I’m extremely interested in seeing where this project goes. The team is also accepting pitches, so read the guidelines if you’re interested in contributing. Good luck to the re/Action team, and we’ll be sure to update readers when the crowdfunding campaign begins.

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Game of the Day: Conversations With My Mother, by Merritt Kopas

Merritt Kopas released a new Twine game today called Conversations With My Mother. It’s an affecting piece, strongly executed. Play it.

Click here for more games of the day.

Posted in Indie Games | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Game of the Day: Candy Box by aniwey

I’m not sure what happened or where it came from, but one minute I was browsing Twitter, and the next everyone in my feed was playing Candy Box, a quirky ASCII browser RPG by computer science student aniwey. Punk Arcade has a brief interview with aniwey. Definitely check the game out.

Posted in General Gaming, Indie Games, Web | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

Sexism in Video Games Panel at ETSUcon

From left to right: Jenn, Samantha and Kat at the Sexism in Video Games panel.

From left to right: Jenn, Samantha and Kat at the Sexism in Video Games panel.

During the last weekend of April, I had the privilege of traveling to East Tennessee State University in Johnson City, TN to be on the “Sexism in Video Games” panel at their inaugural ETSUcon. The panel consisted of Kat Haché, Jennifer Culp of Gamervescent, TBH contributor Samantha Allen (that’s me!) and Cameron Kunzelman. The topic of our panel was the continued and pervasive sexism of video gaming culture.

[You can listen to the entire panel on YouTube.]

A trigger warning: from 34:42 – 36:27, we discuss David Gaider’s blog post about a female Dragon Age writer who pointed out that a male writer on the team had written a rape scene without realizing it. The discussion is not explicit but I don’t want the introduction of the topic to surprise anyone.

Kat, Jenn, Cameron and I fielded questions on a variety of topics ranging from the infamous Dead Island: Riptide statue to the representation of women in video games to the inclusion of women in video game development studios. We were fortunate to have a lively, participatory audience that filled up the whole room.

The turnout for ETSUcon itself (around 900 attendees) also far exceeded the organizers’ expectations. Thanks to Kat for working so hard to put our panel together, to Justin Mitchell for moderating, to Haein Lee for the photos (the rest of which are posted here), to Chad Barrett for the audio recording and to Frederic Poag for chairing the Con itself.

Feel free to discuss the panel in our comments section. We had a limited amount of time for our panel and we’d love to hear how The Border House readers might have answered some of the questions we received.

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The Perspective of Privilege

For the past month I’ve taken up the self-imposed challenge of playing nothing but JRPGs. There are few reasons for this but all of them can be traced back to “I like them.” In playing and replaying games in the genre I’ve noticed some patterns emerge. Initially, summarizing these patterns from over twenty years’ worth of games seemed like a daunting task. But, fortunately for me, Dutch developer SCF was able to condense much of the genre in his 2009 release, Exit Fate.

Developed using RPGmaker, Exit Fate borrows liberally from a variety of PS1 era games—particularly Suikoden II—and it’s been rather viciously criticised for the similarities it bears for past games. However, it never dresses its homages up as original content so that criticism isn’t entirely justified. The character portraits and combat models—all SFC’s own artwork—are unique and carefully crafted, and the game also features some strong writing and an interesting, if sometimes clichéd, cast and world. In essence, it’s a loving interpretation of the old blended with just enough newness to hit all the right notes. The game is available for free at SCF’s personal website, where prospective players are able to make a donation if they’d like. It stands tall enough on its own legs that one need not be intimately familiar with JRPGs to enjoy it, but the ideal audience is likely one with some experience in the genre.

Exit Fate tells the story of Daniel Vinyard, a colonel for the army of Kirgard, a superpower at war with the equally influential Zelmony. On the eve of Kirgard’s invasion, Daniel blacks out and wakes up surrounded by dead soldiers from the regiment he was to command. He flees deeper into Zelmony to figure out what happened and, eventually, attempts to bring about a nonviolent solution to the countries’ ancient feud.

Exit Fate's main character, Daniel, wearing a black trench coat with gold trim, his long white hair falls over his broad, smiling face

Exit Fate’s main character, Daniel, wearing a black trench coat with gold trim, his long white hair falls over his broad, smiling face

It’s functional as a game: it’s easy to learn and the buttons do what they’re supposed to. The story is compelling enough to see through even if it does some time to break into a comfortable stride. As mentioned, though, Exit Fate brings to mind a number of the questionable conventions that have clung to JRPGs (and games at large) over the years. Specifically, Exit Fate and the JRPGs that inspired it, are almost universally played from the perspective of privileged distance. JRPG protagonists are typically members of an aristocracy, or like Exit Fate’s Daniel, they’re respected officers of an effective military, or they’re townies in a pastoral countryside. In any case, A JRPG adventure follows the stripping and reacquisition of a lead character’s privilege.

Firstly—and this point has been raised several times before—RPGs are structured around the capitalist mythology: players begin at level 1 and they have nothing, by the time they work through the game they’re level 99 and they have everything the game could offer them. The means to improve can be taken for granted. If things become difficult, there are plenty of monsters they can gain resources from. The player will encounter enemies along their path, defeating enemies will earn experience and gold, the player will level up at determined intervals, higher levels will make the game easier and, if things are still too difficult, than the means to improve further are never far from reach. Again, this is nothing that hasn’t been said before, but it’s worth noting that this is the engine driving the genre.

Furthermore, JRPG heroes reinforce the mechanics of the games they live in. When they’re introduced they’re often characterized as naïve, disagreeable, lazy or wealthy. In any case, they’re propped up as someone with a good deal of independence. Even if they aren’t, it is assumed that there is a degree of opportunity in their reach. Returning to Exit Fate, the player meets Daniel in a palace. But on a more basic level, he’s employed, educated, young, able and respected. When Daniel is forced into enemy territory, he’s hardly treated any differently—a former enemy colonel would be happy addition to any defending military, so the worst he has to endure is a few dirty looks and double entendres.

Kirgard general, Jasper, a slender grimacing man with short, brown hair arresting Daniel with the aid of several soldiers

Kirgard general, Jasper, a slender grimacing man with short, brown hair arresting Daniel with the aid of several soldiers

Daniel’s defection may awaken his conscience and he may have less access to resources on the other side of the battlefield, but he’s still welcome in his former enemy’s country. He gets his old job back, he’s fed and clothed and—for the most part—trusted. He falls from grace only to land in slightly less grace. Then he quickly discovers and gains access to the means to fix the problems facing him.

Even in RPGs where the player is not an aristocrat or an officer, they still come from a background of privilege. Characters may not always live in a palace, but they almost certainly have a home; they aren’t always wealthy, but they’ll never be turned away from a storekeeper; they may come from a working class background but prices aren’t artificially inflated nor are wages suppressed to manipulate their living standards; they may not even be very well respected, but they can (and often do) depend on a small community for support. In these games the player and player-character can take opportunity for granted.

SCF's concept art for the characters Ljusalf and Ryan in a candlelit library. Ljusalf, wearing dull blue hooded robes, is standing over Ryan, an elderly man in a gold robe, who appears consternated.

SCF’s concept art for the characters Ljusalf and Ryan in a candlelit library. Ljusalf, wearing dull blue hooded robes, is standing over Ryan, an elderly man in a gold robe, who appears consternated.

How differently would Exit Fate look if Daniel weren’t a colonel, but a homeless man conscripted from debtors’ prison? What if being lost in enemy territory didn’t result in an invitation from his former enemies, but incarceration in a POW camp? What if he couldn’t enter a town anonymously seeking rest and sidequests because he could be visibly identified as “the enemy”? Imagine if Daniel wasn’t tasked with winning a noble war but was forced to survive one he didn’t give a damn about.

Many JRPGs (Exit Fate among them) directly deal with themes of oppression versus liberty, but almost never from the perspective of the oppressed. Players are promised results for certain behaviours and the game keeps its promise; characters aim to create a common good and they always have a chance to complete their goals. Even when these games do include underprivileged characters, someone closer to the top of the hierarchy intervenes and provides them with greater political power.

Providing a voice for the privileged while ignoring or silencing the oppressed is a criticism that could be levelled against games in any genre, but it’s particularly damning in a role-playing game where the emphasis is on the “role” the player has in influencing the game’s world. The potential roles are reduced to some permutation of privilege. Furthermore, JRPGs are celebrated for their rounded characters in deep worlds and, thematically, they’re often closely concerned with how groups and nations relate to one another. Compounding the genre’s reputation with its primary themes, limiting perspective to that of the privileged is even harder to excuse.

Exit Fate's starting characters lining up for a random encounter, Jovial, an armoured swordsman with a red cloak is at the top, Daniel, in his black trench coat stands in the centre, and Angel, in a white trench coat brandishes a longspear at the bottom

Exit Fate’s starting characters lining up for a random encounter, Jovial, an armoured swordsman with a red cloak is at the top; Daniel, in his black trench coat stands in the centre; and Angel, in a white trench coat brandishes a longspear at the bottom

Daniel is an admirable character: he sacrifices personal comfort so he can work toward a common good. But he’s the same lens through which almost every JRPG is played. Exit Fate is another instance of the genre withholding the oppression narrative from the oppressed. It isn’t even that there’s something inherent in JRPGs that prevents the perspective from broadening but it focuses exclusively on one angle of the dynamic.

So for all that Exit Fate fondly recalls from a type of game that so many fondly recall, it does bring with it a good deal of the baggage from the genre. It’s worth a play if you’ve got fond memories of Japanese RPGs from around the turn of the century. But as nice as it is to see the resurrection of old styles of design, it’s disappointing that it does not rise to the chance to offer change where it was perhaps most needed.

Posted in Indie Games | 23 Comments